What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
