so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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