Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
