You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
