happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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