Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
