Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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