I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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