just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
