omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
