I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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