My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
