Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
