What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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