happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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