Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
this just has baby written all over it
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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