and next time when you feel me up, do it right
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she peed on how many people?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
