there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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