its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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