so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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