I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
