It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
it's like iHOP with fire
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
