I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That accounts for only three of the penises
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
