he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
