Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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