cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
