Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
