Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
