someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
