Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish you could order shots online.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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