haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
sarcasm needs its own font
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
