Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
did you just send me my own nude
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
