Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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