if only i could text you this smell
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
