He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
