my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
