remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want her autograph on my taint
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
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dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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