i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
