I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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