why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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