Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sext me about skeletons
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
