he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
