The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...