He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!