I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation