I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
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Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
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Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though