We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
