just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Are we still banned from the library?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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