there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
