Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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