I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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