Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
