dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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