Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So many bounce houses so little time
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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