if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
