omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
