i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
