My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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