in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
