The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
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The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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